Disappointed

When I first started Seminary, I started out as a Masters of Divinity student. After one semester, and an almost nervous breakdown, I realized I was not supposed to go for that degree. One of the classes that led up to this moment was a study on Jurgen Moltmann, a popular German theologian. An entire semester was devoted to this guy and we were asked to laboriously suffer through reading his German-to-English books on his view of God. His thoughts were thick, philosophical, and so deep my brain couldn’t hold even the cliff notes version. I struggled to understand why it had to be so complicated. I cried in the bathroom while my husband assured me that I would get it. Sure, for him, it was like candy- Matt devoured this kind of mumbo-jumbo jargon. When it came exam time, even the three hour exam-prep class wouldn’t help me. I was lost in the sauce, and all I had was one sentence of what Moltmann was trying to say, and I knew a whole exam of questions and essays could not be answered with that one sentence: We can only hope for that which God has already promised us, and that was Jesus.
That sentence cost me about $1500 to learn. At the time, I thought it was the biggest joke and disappointment I had to that point. I was disappointed in Moltmann, my professor for putting me through that mess, but mostly in myself for “not getting it.” Now, some 11 years later, I find myself still struggling with disappointment. It rocks my world every time. I get disappointed in people, the church, life’s uncontrollable events, and mostly me. I am way low in adaptability in my strengths. I freeze when something surprises me, I have no wit or quick come backs for a joke, and most frustrating is when something unjust happens in front of me and I go blank as I wait to figure out what my response will be. As I am learning to embrace my inner workings, I am still met with why disappointment rocks my soul. And that haunting Moltmann sentence comes back to me: We can only hope for that which God has already promised us, and that was Jesus.
I am disappointed because I hoped in something. I hoped in everything that is flawed, that could and will let me down. Of course, I know I am not center of the universe, but somehow I seem to easily put myself there. I hoped that a friend wouldn’t hurt me or let me down, I hoped that I could find consistency this week as I tried to feed my body the nutrition it so deserves, I hoped and trusted that the church people would act like lovers of Jesus, I hoped for stability in the midst of a calling in the military, and even what I thought was most important- that God had my back. We will be disappointed every time. We will be discouraged every time. As much as it pains me to say it, Moltmann was right. The only thing we can put our hope in is what God has already done. There are no new promises from God because His Word introduced his desire for us, revealed a promise of reconciling all things to him, and delivered. And the delivery of His son Jesus answered every disappointment, every fear, every bit of suffering we would ever feel in that Jesus brings us back to God. He has made it so that I cannot even trust my own ability to be consistent, because only He is. He is stable, loving, all knowing, and full of grace for when we slip away to think of ourselves more than Him. Romans 5:2, “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. … And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love in to our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
I love that the Holy Spirit is mentioned here. The disappointment that I struggle with is when things don’t go the way I wanted them to go and I fail to give timely grace. Life, though, is full of all kinds of hurt and disappointments. The Holy Spirit is God’s gift of counsel and wisdom. Without a humble, dependent reliance on God, we will not hear the Spirit clearly. It is the Spirit that convicts my pride for thinking that I could do it on my own strength, that reminds me in the middle of my prayerful complaining that my disappointment was because I trusted too much in the imperfection of the world. Yet, it is also the Spirit who counsels in wisdom that humility does not equal living with a victim mentality. On the contrary, it means trusting in the fulfilled promise of Jesus that we are free from strongholds that keep us from intimacy with our Creator. We are freed to mov actively in obedience as we love others, stand up for truth, and sometimes have to walk away from people or things that seek to teach otherwise.
“Forgive me Jesus, for trusting in my own strength instead of relying on yours. Forgive me for pridefully thinking that life was about how happy I am, or what I get to do. Forgive me for being self centered as I beat myself up for thinking I disappoint you instead of fully embracing your grace and mercy and rejoicing in your love and acceptance pouring over my soul, stilling my heart. Forgive me for not accepting how you created me and living it out fully for your glory. Forgive my unforgiving heart as I have held on to past disappointments from others when I should have seen it was my own sin of putting hope and trust into people instead of you and your plan. Thank you for using my disappointments to develop character in me that learns to look to you and develop patience in life. Thank you for “having my back”, but not in the way it will serve me- but glorify you. With authority, given to me by you, Jesus, I rebuke any stronghold that distracts my view of you. I will uphold your truth, seek to humbly rest in your gift of closeness and refuge, and ask for your strength and consistency, so that I can speak of your unfailing love and forgiveness in the midst of my imperfection and sin. Help me to actively walk in your love, and hope in Jesus.”

400 Miles, a License, and a Cause

A protester flashes a victory sign with his bloodied hand as other protesters throw stones at army soldiers at the cabinet near http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifTahrir Square in Cairo, Dec. 16, 2011. (REUTERS/Amr Abdallah Dalsh)

God is so good- and I mean more good than you may really know. I am so glad He continues to amaze me with his love. Have you been given something to champion? Something to finish? A cause to fight for? I have been on a long journey- one I didn't expect to take this long. I have learned so much and it has made me want to share it with you as I push forward in new territory.

Lesson #1 What Starts with Me, Shouldn't Stay with Me
The first lesson to share has been how crucial community really is in the kingdom. God may speak to you, even reveal truth in His Word, but it is meant to be shared and confirmed in the congregation of others. He is SO good (and I mean brilliant), that He somehow moves in His people at large in similar ways, repeating themes, specific words, instruction, guidance, warnings, and blessings. Most of the time, this happens in one movement or during a particular season on His timeline, directing the church as a whole. For example, the words "harvest" and "righteousness" kept coming to my mind, encouraging me to seek the Word for what He might want me to learn. Only to find later that He was giving those same words to someone close to me, yet from a different angle. As we shared, my perspective was shown to only be half of the puzzle, half of the revelation, as hers completed the other half- Thus confirming the original prompting of God independently in our lives, and completing the fullness of His guidance. The body members were simultaneously, separately, and as a whole drawing close to Him, yet moving in unison towards a goal He had in mind.

Lesson #2 Rescue is Coming...
God truly does not leave us bruised and broken. He will never let us cross the line of what we cannot handle, left abandoned. In His mercy, He knows us so entirely well. This journey to get licensed has been a bloody battle since 2003. It in no way compares to other battles I have witnessed this year alone. I have seen so many close to me battle disease, intense loss, and overwhelming stress. Yet for me, it has been a fight. Proving my worth, my competence, effort, struggling to have control over what should be mine- my life choices, my career choices. I have had to over prove myself, work more years than I should have, redo endless paperwork over and over again. Keep in mind I did this for two different states. Even in the end, I continued to fight for what at times felt pointless, the ending victory bittersweet as I walked away more weary than rewarded. I almost gave up. I doubted myself, more so doubted God, questioned His favor, my calling, and the very character He had developed in me. But when I finally neared the end, when I had nothing in me to fight or battle with... when disappointment was winning and the world had rejected me again, I went to the Lord...and rescue came. He knew my line, (in hindsight He was more merciful in His moment of rescue than He needed to be. I will remember that in the next battle. His rescue will come in His own way and not always when I call, and possibly never in the way I would expect. For it is never for my purposes for Him to rescue, only for His glory. So that I can say it was Him. That battle was never about a miracle, never about my justice, never about my finish line. In fact, the finish line will often be a passing, fleeting moment. Only the eternal satisfaction of saying it was Him will make it worthwhile.

Lesson#3 400 Miles
I was encouraged to read Acts 16 where Paul was blocked by the Spirit in every direction he attempted to go. Supernaturally he was called to Macedonia and the only route to get there was 400 miles out of the way. Keep in mind he was supernaturally called there, yet was met with beatings, flogging, and imprisonment rather than the peace-filled ministry assignment. I have learned (with the help of another) that anytime we are routed a way that is not easy, or seems like the long way around, or worse 400 miles out of the way and it feels like the Spirit has blocked every route that would get us there faster- we can be sure that although our personal goal will eventually be reached, there will be a bigger purpose, and others to save along the way. Paul's journey ultimately saved many families, if not the town itself. It is no longer about me, the help and change for others is now at stake.

Lesson #4 Sovereignty and a Cause
When Paul finally got to Macedonia, he could have avoided the beating and imprisonment all together. All he had to say was that he was a Roman, because what the people did was actually illegal. But from the beginning of his journey, he set his eyes above. God is sovereign over all things- the Professional licensing board of every state, over your job, your angry boss, your illness, over the very land he created, even over the Military assignment boards. When you keep your eyes on the Sovereign One, the journey has purpose. The battle is less bloody. Had I trusted Him, had I set my eyes on the sovereign I would have hoped, waited, and with authority given by Jesus spoken confidently over how He would have the ultimate glory in the end.

Because the way was blocked for me and didn't finish in 2007, a greater cause was opened up to me now in 2012. In 2011, the Department of Defense introduced an initiative encouraging the strengthening of military families, including professional licensing boards being challenged to make it easier for military spouses to transition their career from state to state (considering every state has different standards you end up starting over every time you move). I was able to include this cause in my efforts to get my own license, transforming what was originally about me and furthering a cause instead.

It was His plan all along, how I wish I could have at least trusted along the way that it would in fact be more than only about me. I would have felt the joy instead of the blows.

Lesson #5 It's Always about the Next Battle
Today, I am tired. Nine years for what should have taken three. He rescued me today when I had nothing left to give. The last month of waiting on the board to make a decision resulted in a rejection letter that was an error on their part. The letter requested I get more experience. This error had me fighting again while feeling the wounds of rejection and disappointment. I won in the end, proving their error, and received my license today- but the win was bittersweet. Sweet in relief, but bitter in what I had gone through and that many others who will go through the same and need a better way. The Lord's rescue came in fixing it today and not tomorrow, or worse at next month's board meeting (which I would have attended no doubt). He also sent the right person who found the right paperwork, and could be a person that could actually make the change- specific things that were prayed for this morning.
Bigger than all of that was the email response I got after I thanked the Executive Director for his swift response today, asking him to keep me in mind as the board considers how they will address future military spouses and offering clarification on this initiative from the White House.

His answer:

"I absolutely will do so. Thank you and your family for your service to our country, and stay safe."

And so a new battle with a new cause will begin.

And the Lord asks me today, "Why have you not spoken from the authority given to you? Why do you continue you to doubt my Sovereignty and my hope in you? Be a student of my Word, know how to do what that I have called you to do. Know how to use what I have given you to use!"

I have a new lesson to learn, one I have not embraced fully yet. We have authority already given to us through Jesus. He said, "ALL authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go... and surely I am with you always." If I set my eyes on the Sovereign One, anchor and hide in my heart the truth given in His word, I can move forward by the Spirit. To be daily transformed- no matter how long the journey knowing that ultimately Jesus has given me the authority in His name, as his follower, to bring change, hope, and salvation to the broken hearted.

Since then...

First, I want to thank so many people who have responded, emailed, and posted encouraging words since my last post. I must say it was extremely difficult to be so vulnerable. It is hard enough to say you are struggling, even harder to call it out for what it is and let everyone "in" on what we have felt here. Many of you replied that you were praying for us and would continue to do so. Others of you shared similar stories of living or serving within an oppressed location. I can't thank you enough! In my sharing, I was reminded of the result living in community- albeit over social media. Revealing the lies results in it's opposite- truth that we are never alone, that God works among his people and never in isolation.

I have been thinking a lot since regurgitating my plight on you. One thing I have learned is that the enemy attacks with intensity when you are isolated, tired, and hungry. Matt and I could not have been more of those things. Isolated is obvious, but continuously tired/stressed, and hungry for God to move, reveal himself, and for fellowship. No wonder we felt overtaken. Many people I have met (who reluctantly whispered that they also felt the oppression here) have asked, "so what do you do when you have to live in it?" I had never thought about living under oppression that I had not invited myself- don't we all ask "what did I do to cause this mess?" And since being honest about it here on this blog, I see things a little bit more clearly.

Matt and I were listening to Ravi Zacharias the other day and in his talk on The Problem with Pleasure, he mentioned that "any pleasurable thing that refreshes you without distracting from, diminishing, or destroying your ultimate goal is legitimate." What I first realized was that I had embraced suffering and pity in a pleasurable way. I know that sounds weird, but we can get addicted to our self-pity- thus the statue I posted in the previous blog. We either enjoy it and chase more, or we will see it as an attack and choose to fight. I had forgotten what my ultimate goal was, or maybe didn't know what it was! I had allowed my circumstances to distract me from what God wanted from us big picture wise. I had set my eyes on my present suffering instead of the goal He set for us. Of course that goal is to be more like him, but also that I would serve him no matter where he sent me and remember our calling is so much bigger than present suffering.

Part of this has been the difficulty in embracing the first move by the Army that was not our choice. Even though we didn't choose Colorado- who wouldn't want to live there? It was also my first experience of the unsettled lifestyle of the Army. It was so exciting the first time around and this time it hit me that this was really going to be every two-three years. I had to come to terms with that. I really believe it takes a toll on a lot of families, but just like the deployments, training, etc- you just have to embrace it and roll with it. Just like the deployment- you look for how you will thrive and be better when you reach your ultimate goal, not how you survived life.

I admire so many of my fellow army wives who have learned this lesson way before me, who make each new location "home" and quickly make their mark by serving the families and community wherever they are. I have a lot to learn as I sit here- Matt having left for a month. And so I begin again with new focus, truth of who I am, who we are as a family, and anchored in the truth that any suffering that we experience should remind us Christ's ultimate suffering that ours could never compare to and I am drawn to his humility, love, and outpouring of service towards me. So I'm getting up and gonna do something about this post, be a light, and serve with others who are also shining theirs. My time here is short, and so is my window of opportunity. I so long to be the anchor of our family instead of the afflicted victim.
So here is what I believe is the answer:
1. Pray daily over your home, over your family, over your mind.
2. Anchor yourself in the truth every day, and pray for awareness.
3. Be vulnerable to a community that will pray for you, be vulnerable with you, and challenge you.
4. Do something for someone else.

Thanks again to all of you who responded, we feel so loved.

Living Under Oppression

The Images here are of Rodin's Evil Spirits

The question I asked when I saw it in person was, "Is this a picture of desire or violence?"

It has been so long since I have written, I forgot my username to this blog. 6 months to be exact. Last year was a year of "wins" for me. I was a winner for the Panera writing contest, I published five or six articles for an online Christian Military Magazine, and seemed to even win little pull-a-name-out-of-a-hat drawings. It was an amazing feeling for someone who never won anything. Looking back, Matt and I chuckle as we look back over our prayers at the time to give us a season of rest and blessing. At the time, reintegration was rough for us. People asked me how I survived deployment. Deployment was easy- its reintegration that gets most military marriages. Getting back on the same page after being apart for a full year is harder than the physical fatigue of parenting on your own. As we struggled through maintaining our own marriage and still carried the weight of encouraging others' we seriously found ourselves begging for blessing. What we didn't know was that we were already in a season of rest and blessing that was intended to prepare us for the season to follow.

Leaving Fort Carson has been beyond painful. We drove away from outstanding leadership and a now historic unit, friends that were more than family and showed us how the church body is supposed to exist, and nature that daily pointed us to the majestic presence of God. We did not realize what we were driving into. A hot, lonely, and difficult season of spiritual war. Living on post here is drastically different from the family-focused culture of Colorado. Fort Stewart feels to us, and is confirmed by others here as a culture that is plagued and suffering from an oppression that weighs down the soul. People are not happy here, they stay in their homes, there is little joy, and is a post currently leading the way in the Army for suicides. When you meet people, and ask hem how long they have been here, the response is usually something like, "long enough" or "we can't wait to get out of here in the spring." We feel it too. We wake up discouraged. We struggle to make time with the Lord and we muster up the energy to say a prayer of protection over our family, our marriage, and remind ourselves of our mission. Matt and I independently fight the battle of doubting our calling, the temptation to isolate, and believing the lie that we are alone. If we win the war of the day, somehow finding joy in our Creator by the end of the day and in our children (who somehow seem unaffected and protected- praise God!), we go to bed feeling connected and secure only to wake up the oppression the next morning.
We are convicted and convinced that this is a time of digging deep and strengthening the weaker areas of our faith. If we are to survive this assignment (and we know there is no other option) then we must dig deep and truly learn how to pray, intercede, depend on the Lord, and serve.
This summer, before we arrived here, I had the most disturbing dream- no doubt from the Lord. In it, I witnessed the spirit of deception at work in my life and those around me. I walked with it as he eerily took the form of something charming, attractive, and twisted. People followed him, flocked to him, followed him, listened to everything he said and believed every word. I saw that when people opened their soul, even a crack, he stuck to them and grew in influence in their life. I saw it influencing the church, what I thought were safe relationships, the culture, our cultures' children. Each time we walked up to one of these scenes and his evil influence suddenly was revealed, I felt my horror and anger hit me in the gut. At the end, I walked with him alone and asked him where he slipped into my life- at what point he stuck to my soul- in effort to find blame in myself. After all, I had believed some of these lies myself. But his answer surprised me. Not only had I entertained him in (my sin), but he slipped in way before me, generations before me.
No doubt, when I woke up, I felt the same punch to my gut- a physical reminder of what it feels like around evil- a reminder of how angry you have to be to do anything about it. I knew I had clear instruction to study, to know this spirit well, and to know how to respond.
I had no idea this was in preparation for what we would be living under. The daily fight to believe the spirit of deception- the little ways we let it in by entertaining the thought that we are alone and have nothing to offer. I have had many days where I have given in to the discouragement. Thus, my writer's block for 6 months. I could not muster the strength to even sit at the computer. Depression and discouragement can weigh you down with fatigue and steal your creativity.

What I am reminded of today is that those who walk in truth will walk in liberty.
Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth. (Ps. 31:5) Help me to remember that nothing and no one can be redeemed without truth: the God of Truth!

Lord God, surely You desire truth in my inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place. (Ps. 51:6) Please expose to me the deeply embedded lies I've believed and replace them with permanently engraved truth.

"Sin wears a cloak of deception. Therefore, the first stage...involves the exposure of our hearts to truth and the cleansing of our hearts from lies...Once the Spirit breaks the power of deception in our lives, He can break the power of sin." Francis Frangipane, Holiness, Truth and The Presence of God
[all prayers and quote from Beth Moores' Praying God's Word}

Where have you let the spirit of deception in? Have you set a cause, something material, or worse another person on the throne reserved only for the Son of God? Have you daily accepted the "lot" handed to you by generations past? It is often lies in the form of abandonment, rejection, entitlement, and usually takes physical form in apathy. Apathy- choosing to do nothing towards reconciliation, restoration, serving others, and choosing to sit in the corner and watch others do the work. Have you confessed it? Confessing is only the first step, being actively and daily aware of its continued influence is second- which should bring you to your knees confessing again each day. Third, do you respond actively by living out the truth? Do you physically move to engage vulnerably with others in fellowship? Are you restoring relationships that lies have torn apart? Or do you just shrug your shoulders and choose apathy as if what happens between you and God is all that matters. Do you take the truth of His word and transformation in your life to to others- or more importantly changing your generational curse to blessing?

I feel like I am confessing on a daily basis. I am trying to do the above. I want to see blessing even when living in a season of unrest. And I want my children to walk in liberty without the weight of my sin set on their shoulders that already have enough to carry.

As Matt and I continue to shift our focus towards the truth of our Savior and our calling, would you consider praying for us and our family? Thank you for those who are actively doing this. We have no doubt that this is why our children seem to daily walk unscathed and why we are continuously surprised by God's voice spoken even through Aidan (whose spiritual growth is on fire). We also thank God for your prayers when we win the battle in our minds and know it was not by our own strength that day.

If you are a missionary who has felt the same living under the oppression of a culture/people would you be willing to share your story?

Mirror, Mirror.

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." - James 1.22-24

Introspection is one of those things that is very hard for us extroverts. We work out most of our stuff outloud, in front of others which makes us the life of the party, or the backseat of the sqaud car. By the time we have gotten around to the point of the matter or heart of the issue, we may have bungled our way, sloppily, through the china shop of the lives around us. It is a scenario that occurs with all-too great frequency. But it isn't without redemptive moments. Our verbal quickness and understanding of any given situation allows us to keep conversation and situations lively. We tend to enjoy engaging everyone, including introverts, and hope that we make everyone feel included and well thought of.

In fact, the insight of the previous paragraph is not stereotypically indicative of the extrovert. It's a bit of a trained skill to take a step back and look, and ask, "how am I being perceived?" One that I am (hopefully) enroute to mastering.

And so it helps to several different kinds of mirrors in my life.

I need the mirror of Jesus and others of faith found in scripture. Taking time out of most days helps me to re-align and correct my azimuth (cardinal compass direction) in order that I can reach the places I set my mind to go. If I don't have this, then I go about my life making up an image of God that falls very short of the one I should be following, if I want a divinely-successful life.

I need the mirror of my family, because they have known me the longest, and though I have changed over the decades in the course of adventures and trials, they knew my personality as it was forming. Their prayer must be that God will speak truth to my heart through their words, both encouragement and correction. It assumes that they are checking their mirrors, as well, driving down the road of life.

I need the mirror of my wife, who knows the very core of my soul. It is to her that I can crawl when the burdens of so many things have driven me to my hands and knees. She alone can hold my pained heart which has suffered the slings and arrows of discouragement and trauma. She can embolden me to walk back on the battlefield, bleeding and bruised and pale. It is to her that I have pledged my protection and provision, as a son of God, sent on His behalf.

I need the mirror of my sons, to whom I owe my life. I am molding and shaping their future with every look, gesture, word, deed and inaction. They unknowingly give me constant and consistent feedback about my fathering. If I do not pay attention, then I miss out on the wonderful dance of parenting.

And I need the mirror of whom I could be, both good and bad. I need to be around role-models who inspire me to drive on, and I need individuals in whom I see the worst of me, what I have been at times and could be.

If we resist these mirrors, we lose the check-points that God allows in our lives to re-orient our direction and keep us on path. As I find personality flaws in others that hit too close to home, I pray (am praying) that God will not only heal the afflictions in the hearts of those, but also in mine. Lest I become a mirror by which others desire to reflect the opposite.

Lord Help.

From the Insight Out

“When you fully comprehend that there is more to life than just here and now…suddenly many activities, goals and even problems that seemed so important will appear trivial, petty and unworthy of your attention. The closer you live to God, the smaller everything else appears.”

- Rick Warren from The Purpose Driven Life

Wow, it has been a long time since I took the time to let my thoughts coalesce onto paper, or pixels, as it were. God, in his infinite wisdom, has seen fit to create a scenario in our lives from which it is impossible to make excuse for not spending time with Him.

Since moving to Savannah, GA we have been living off of an inlet on the coast, enjoying the multitude of sounds each night as we pass out and the little frog that greets Todd every evening when he takes his final constitutional in the yard. Little idiosyncrasies that one forgets about after living above 6000 feet for three years.

And it is out in the middle of nowhere. I mean we are a mile down a dirt road at that forks off from the end of another road. A full 40 miles on back roads to Ft. Stewart. I wake at 0445 and am on the road by 0515 to make PT formation. Showering at the Battalion HQ, I am in my office eating breakfast by 0800 each morning, with an hour and a half before work officially “starts”. And I eat lunch in the office as well, and have an hour commute home in the afternoon. Add it all up and that’s at least 4 hours each day that I can choose how I spend.

I am so out of it at 0515, I just plug in Dave Crowder and hope that some of it permeates my conscience, unconsciously, while hoping a deer doesn’t run out in the road. After PT, I feel nice and mellow and have been enjoying the first few days of The Purpose Driven Life (it was the only devotional in the office when I arrived). Having not run consistently in months, I get three days a week to pray for myself, others and myself while trying to catch up to somebody. During lunch, I “rest in the Lord.” And the ride home is a 5/60 drive. Four windows and a sunroof open and 60mph…no AC in the car. And the sweat and wind washes away most of the day.

And I am finding some guidance in the quiet.

Day Four, today, was about being eternally minded. Even with the periodic moments throughout the day to reorient myself, I don’t always do this well. Last week I had a great day, where I encouraged Corie with dreams and wisdom, things God was comforting me with, and hope for the future. And Saturday as we were finishing shopping for Jack’s party items, I yelled at her for not applying the parking brake. That’s insane. The parking brake. Sure, it’s a pet peeve, but how can the same person be edifying one day and destructive a few days later? I don’t understand myself, and hate that part of me that creeps up, and pulls the rug out from underneath me, and my marriage.

“The closer you live to God, the smaller everything else appears.”

Petty. Insignificant. Trivial. Inconsequential. Minor. Trifling. Frivolous. Marginal. Negligible.

The things that often derail me could easily be described with these words. How can a man who has seen what I have seen, walked beside people through the valley of the shadow of death, and knows, experientially, what I know, still fall prey to the simple traps of the enemy?

I thought I wouldn’t trip over these roots anymore. I thought I had a handle on my perspective.

“Let us lay aside everything that hinders and the sin which so easily entangles…”

When I grow tired during a workout, I have to concentrate harder on each lift, each footfall. I remember sprinting so hard in high school track and field that I had tunnel vision on the last 100 meters of a run and lost all awareness of everything except how bad my lungs and legs burned. I could have easily tripped over my own feet and plummeted face first onto the track. But I remember reminding myself to concentrate on my form, lest I fall. I concentrated on running tall, the rhythm of my breathing, my pace and constantly reminding myself of the distance I was closing. I was running with the end in mind, and it kept me pushing myself.

“and run the race set before us.”

I want the petty things to not matter. I don’t want pet peeves, I want the freedom of “meh.” Some of you will get that one.

In college James Corbin put out some profoundly spiritual songs. One of my favorites:

“This world is not my home, but a beautiful place that I’ve never known, I’m like a fugitive on the run and when I die, my life has just begun, when I die, my life has just begun.”

Even as the enemy whispers my failures, my God reminds me of “the glory of it all is He forgives, for the rescue of us all that we may live, O the Glory of it all, the Glory of it all. After night, comes a light, he repairs, he repairs, it’s a new day, everything will change, things will never be the same.”

If, in my failures, I can prevent yours, then truly “all things can work together for the good of those who love Him.” Set your mind on things above, not things below. Seek first His kingship and His righteousness, which he has imparted to those who will accept, and everything else will be added, and in the end we will see clearly, as He sees, how trivial so many things really were.

Update on the move to Savannah

I figured it was about time to update everyone on our move. I know that the grandparents are especially curious as to the adjustment and progress of our transition. Its been a month since our house in lovely Colorado was packed up. Since then, we have lived in 11 different places. I know that sounds extreme and it wasn't planned that way originally. We actually planned to stop and see two friends on our way to Savannah making our trip just one week. However, we were ordered to Fort Stewart and the housing on post is building new homes (very similar to what we had before) and they will not be ready until the end of the summer. It will definitely be worth the wait, even though we have moments when we question that along with our sanity. If we move in now we will lose significant square footage and what we know we can expect from the newer housing.
So, during a wonderful stay in Kentucky and reconnecting with our family away from family, we went to our church home there in Lexington. It was an amazing, worship filled morning that included great music and the reminder of what God designed life giving community to do for your soul. Matt and I both felt the Lord affirm where we were going and our call to the military. When we left the church there in 2006, we felt God say it was time to GO, and so we did. We had no idea that would be our first step to saying yes to the military. His affirmation was that we are still being SENT, and to be thankful that He is still using us.
We then spent some much needed peaceful time in the mountains of North Carolina with some other fantastic friends. There we began to settle in to the civilian world again while we reconnected, another reminder that He is present in community. We have felt so loved, and served during our visits- something we didn't realize that we needed. Something God anticipated before we could.
Since our housing was no where close to being ready and Matt had a little time before signing in, we stopped in to see family and a short vacation in Hilton Head. Considering we would be in a hotel anyways, we stayed at Hilton Head for an additional week with friends who were vacationing there. After that, the vacation was over and it was time to get back into the mindset of the move.
The climate has been more than hot and the humidity is, well, smarmy to say the least. The trees are huge compared to Colorado, droopy and somewhat creepy with the moss that is so familiar to Savannah, but beautiful in its own way. I am enjoying the daily thunderstorms that seem to creep up each day, as the tall trees hide the sky.
We are staying in the on post lodging at Hunter (40 minutes from Stewart) because it has a bigger room (two separate bedrooms). It is somewhat inconvenient to commute to Stewart, but it is the best option for us currently. We have found an apartment to stay in for the summer that is out in the country that would still be the same commute, but is located over a very nice detached garage on a personal piece of property. The owners have two boys themselves and are giving us full use of their swimming pool and trampoline. Definitely a good move for us, pending no other finds, to use for the summer.
We have raced around for days registering the boys into the Ft Stewart system, updating immunizations (much to Jack's disappointment), and registered them both for school in the fall. The new neighborhood is looking great and is literally across the street from the school. And we can tell they have made improvements since 2008 when we moved into almost the same housing in Colorado. I can't tell you how excited we are to have a home again, but the amazing flexibility and resilience of the boys seem to offer no excuse for us grown ups to complain. We have pushed through many moments of frustration, fatigue, and confusion as we have been bounced all over the place trying to get things done, check boxes, and attempt clear communication. Of course, according to house-keeping- this is a special characteristic of Savannah that you never get the full story, only what you ask for- so expect to never have all the information and be redirected constantly. I'm not sure how much that is isolated just to Savannah, but it makes me feel a little better in the moment.
Lessons learned: Don't plan such a long PCS if you can help it. If you organize your receipts in a nifty organizer, make the effort to organize where the organizer will go so you don't lose it on the second day.
A few blessings, or what I like to call small gifts (similar to God's provision during the deployment) were a sweet veteran in his golf cart who drove me and the boys to our car at the Hospital after Aidan fell and skinned his knees, a patient advocate who walked me into a clinic and got the boys screened for school when I should have had to make appointments, and the sweet housekeeping lady who has worked with us by letting Todd out of his kennel when she finishes cleaning or understands when we don't need it even though the hotel wants to have it cleaned daily. I also met a great woman who in military-wife fashion has been so helpful to offer us any help we might need. It's the small things! A Fresh market down the street, much better seafood, great lifeguards at the pool, and access to the gym to feed the one thing I do have control of.
We are filling the time with swimming when possible, having food network food challenge evenings, and are looking forward to a weekend sightseeing in Savannah and celebrating the 4th on-post.
I know that's a lot, but someone out there cares, and it gives my introverted-ness a chance to recharge as I type all that out and process it out of my head. It is my hope that we are able to spend some time refocusing during our quiet moments and seek God's desire to prepare us for a new place, same calling. To humble us of our successes before, and rely on Him and His timing as we "start again". He is such a good God, and cares for us, revealing His steps in front of us, all the while reminding us that he would not want us to worry, fail, or not feel thought of or cared for. Instead, He has anticipated our every need, provides hints of our little wants, and I feel has gifted His Spirit of peace upon our children- reminding us that the calling on our life will not harm our children and is in fact part of his plan to mature their walk as well.